The topic of this blog will be based on my experiences of having a rainbow baby.
There is one thing almost guaranteed when you loose a child and that at some point someone will say something along the lines of ” Your young you can try again.”or” When are you trying again.”. You usually find that those saying this has never lost a child and they don’t understand the impact questions like that, Now of course I am glad they don’t understand this, I am just more annoyed about people who say silly things.
When you are so pained from loosing a child, it can be easy sometimes to just bury everything , I know that’s what I did and it eventually backfired and resulted in me been put on medication and seeking help in the form of a on-line organisation of whom I now volunteer for.
A few months passed and we found out that we were pregnant again. You would think we were happy wouldn’t you? . Well nope we were petrified because that little bubble had been burst when we lost Oliver, I had no idea before we lost Oliver the magnitude of how many pregnancies don’t end up in people bringing a baby home. Every single day we worried something bad would happen.With our previous pregnancy Nicole developed pre-eclampsia ( The Loss of a child , A dads Perspective), More details can be found in the link provided to my previous blog. Also there is a link to my partners version also ( Oliver’s story . a Angel mams journey)
The panic attacks and depression that had gone came back with almighty force, insomnia in full swing and I was sacred out of my fucking mind. All the flashbacks of Oliver came back ,and I was unable to even remotely enjoy the pregnancy like any normal couple should be able to. As much as the hospital was great for keeping check on Nicole my partner , there really is a short supply on advice given to parents parenting after a loss , you are just left to figure it out on your own.
For me there is this misconception that having a rainbow is a happy ending and this magical thing.The problem with that picture is its missing all the emotions, the guilt and the constant battle with depression that stems from your loss. At the very best having a rainbow is like putting on a plaster, you will be OK for a while as you will be busy with a newborn, but Sure hell that doesn’t last long, then the plaster falls off and all the pain comes rushing back.
As a result of not taking very good care of myself and focusing everything on my partner and rainbow. I have fallen back to having massive anxiety attacks and now am barely unable to leave the house. Having the burden of child loss and parenting after a loss it really is not as simple as been happy .
It may sound harsh , And if I am honest thats what my aim for this blog is , but it is the stark reality of having a Rainbow
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Angel Dad, Graphic Designer,Trustee