On the 14th of June each year we have Oliver’s birthday, followed the next day by his angelversary and a few days later fathers day.
Now for those that know me I also have a nearly 4-year-old rainbow, In the midst of a day, I should be excited about it consumed with grief, anger which I have to hide from my daughter.
Every year from the beginning of may the stress and anxiety ramps up for what I know is going to be a rough week. The nights of waking up with cold sweats and not be able to get back to sleep, of constantly feeling down and near tears
For the best part I keep myself level, focusing on my partner and daughter but from may onwards till the end of June I allow myself that time to grieve and kind of let my hair down so to speak.
This year was his 5th Birthday, For some reason, the run-up to this was my most feared yet, My partner particularly struggled in the build-up to it, and I just didn’t know if I had it in me to support us both. I have always counted myself rather fortunate to have some very amazing people in my life, Friends, family and Other angel parents and, leaders.
This year amongst the usual well wishes via Facebook, Facebook messenger we received several gifts for Oliver’s birthday, To say we were overwhelmed is an understatement and it helped so much, there were only a few moments of crying from the Mrs which is a huge achievement.
Someone even made some cupcakes up for his birthday
On his Angelversary we were rather fortunate enough that 2 of our angel parents friends arrange a balloon release for us to go to with them in Whitley Bay.UK
They brought us a 5 balloon and a star balloon. We had already decided that we were going to add 3 other angels to it. Jonathon who shares the same date and Reuben who shares the same date as well as Lexi who is the angel of the parents who arranged this for us.
Our friends then decided to take us out for a meal, again this was so thoughtful and helped us so much with the day itself. I urge people to speak with other angel parents, find ones who live close by, arrange a meet up ( safely of course). Who else gets our pain, who else can we sit with and talk about our angels and not get funny looks or get blanked.
And that leaves fathers day, Oliver died the day before father’s day in 2013 so the day for me will never hold any meaning even though I have my rainbow , and in most people’s opinions I should be happy and grateful, well to those people I politely say that you have no fucking clue how it feels , to always have something missing from your life , to constantly have mini anxiety attacks around other little boys , to have a shiver run down my spine when I hear the name, Oliver . So this fathers day will just be another day , and another year of my son not being with us.